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A Snapshot of Impending Doom Part 2
Where does a sequel's continuity end and where does self-plagiarism begin?
For quite some time now I've been keeping an eye out for another picture to analyze as I did with the first Snapshot of Impending Doom. Unfortunately, just like the dating world, the more I looked, the higher my standards became. I became frantic that my only two options were settle for something that would leave me disappointed and embarrassed or hold out forever, destined to eventually take up model railroading and breeding cats.
Then along came this beauty.
Bat out of Hell
I don't know where this picture was originally published but I imagine it was some sort of sporting magazine.
Luckily I don't require trivialities such a "sources" to bring you to the heart of the story. My gift is one of intuition and I've wrapped this one up in newspaper and string, sending it on it's way a little too late and addressed to your neighbor's house. They'll probably bring it over to you later this week.
The names are made up but everything else is sure to be true.
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Taco from Tijuana In his home country of Mexico, Taco had managed to reach a modest level of celebrity that had his family had never imagined. His gift had surfaced at a young age and was put to immediate use by his family who had set up a traveling spectacle to showcase his talent. Known widely as "The Brain Freeze Kid", Taco was able to thwart the debilitating side effects on drinking smoothies, slushies and other frozen drinks, guzzling them with reckless abandon. Sadly, Taco's concentration could be broken by disquieting situations and months' worth of brain freezes would come paralyzingly rushing in. Taco: "ow. ow. ow. Ow. OW.OW! OW!! OW!!!" |
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Joséphine Joséphine had come from France shortly after her brother Henri died. His love of the metric system had driven her to crusade for it's adoption in the US as a tribute to his one great love. If only Henri had put his mathematics degree to good use rather than falling in with that group of shady chimney sweeps, he might be here to share this coincidence which only the two of them would have noticed - #10 at bat in the tenth inning on October 10. Joséphine: "This is for you, Henri! I love you!" |
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The Angel of Death A sighting of a Cherub at any sporting event is generally considered a mixed blessing and always an event to cause considerable concern. On one hand, a benevolent angel could indicate a divine advantage for the home team. On the other hand, when things start to go sour, we may have to consider that this messenger may not hail from above. Death: "In the name of all the Lords of the Abyss, I call out to the Powers of Darkness"
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Archie It's been a long and confusing road for Archie. Raised by a single mother a four sisters, he spent most of his life identifying with feminine role models. At the age of 48 he began his "road to rebirth" with hair removal, wigs, hormones and eventually the big surgery. Accepting his new body has come slowly over the years but he still finds pleasure in flirting with his masculine side. Attending baseball games is perhaps the greatest of these virile pleasures. Archie: "Look! You wouldn't hurt a lady, would you?" |
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Ernie The onset of Parkinson's disease had been viewed as a mild inconvenience by Ernie. He had not yet begun to suffer from the more serious symptoms such as tremors or memory loss. Instead, he found himself constantly distracted. Shiny objects, loud noises and movement could pull his focus no matter what the situation. He never would have guessed that his affliction would have saved his life and in a few minutes, he'll forget that it did.. Ernie: "Hey, is that a nickel?" |
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Margot and Traci Escaping their husbands had become a fine art for Margot and Traci. A quick trip to the grocery store would inevitably blossom into an excursion to the mall, followed by two tickets to the game and a late night at the dive bar. Unfortunately this left Traci with sparse time for the study of physics. There are many things in this world that would stop a high velocity baseball bat. The list of these things is nearly boundless but sadly for Traci, a flimsy cardboard nacho tray is not on that list. Margot: "I wonder if the umpire is single..." Traci: "Nachos don't fail me now!!"
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Beverly Surface area is the measure of how much exposed area an object has. It is expressed in square units. If an object has flat faces, its surface area can be calculated by adding together the areas of its faces. Even objects with smooth surfaces, such as the human body have surface area. The surface area of an organism is important in several considerations, such as regulation of body temperature, digestion and ability to cover one's self. Beverly: "I need more arms!"
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Hank (the most doomed) Hank had earned the nickname "Guiness" back before he was laid off from the steel mill. Some guessed that it was a reference to his proud Irish heritage but those close to him knew that it was his strength and propensity to being "stout". Hank was unmoved by most everything in life. Deaths in the family, financial hardship, an errant baseball bat to the face; these things would not shake his steadfastness. Hank: "oh fuck" |
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Miguel the Mastermind Cool, calm and collected are the hallmarks of an evil genius. Sneaking into the locker room before the game had required a counterfeit press pass. Bribing the batter to toss his bat if the game went into extra innings was nothing more than a matter of agreeing on price. He had given the signal and let out a deep breath as the key pitch was thrown. Why do this? Why today? Because it was Tuesday. And he was bored.. Miguel: "Nothing gets daddy moist like a well though out plan coming together." |
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Heidi Heidi wouldn't even garner a mention but for the look on her face. She is oblivious. She is unaware of the tragedy and commotion that is unfolding a mere 6 feet (1.8288 meters for Joséphine) from her soft little head. Much like all girls her age, Heidi's mind is laser-like in it's focus. Unlike Ernie, there is one thing that can hold her mind in it's vice grip for hours on end. Heidi whispers: "Unicorns" |
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Jason's blog | 1666 reads
Submitted by Whit on Sun, 2008-03-02 00:40.
I'm a bit freaked that the Angel of Death's dad isn't trying to protect her. I sure hope Hank has that insurance.
Submitted by debontherocks (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-02 01:02.
Jason! How am I going to enjoy a simple movie now that I don't know how or if Hank survived, if he can afford the needed dental work, and if he is eating solid food yet. Plus, the man with Angel shows a deep lack of parental protection response--offering much less than the reach-over a fast stop triggers in a car. I don't think he could possibly be her father. I am going to have to search "Have you see this Angel" boards now.
Submitted by Ted (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-02 01:36.
Might I mention that Miguel is also behind the imminent stock market downfall. I know the guy, it's what he does for fun.
Submitted by Ted on Sun, 2008-03-02 01:59.
SPAM COMMENT #1
Just checking out the looks of my comments now that I'm an user;)
Submitted by Leon (not verified) on Sun, 2008-03-02 03:59.
I got that pick in my email. Love the analysis. When I saw it, I said to myself exactly what Hank said.
Submitted by Winter on Mon, 2008-03-03 02:54.
The Angel of Death is just classic. But Ernie? Ernie is the funniest by far. Did I ever mention I have a friend we call Shiny? She and Ernie... right there looking at something else! LMAO
Submitted by Allyn Paul on Mon, 2008-03-03 18:06.
classic!
I certainly hope Hank opted-in for the Cobra benefits when the steel mill laid his grey-haired ass off.
I'm sure he's recovering nicely in his 2-bedroom Cape Cod house in South Hammond.
AL
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Bwahahaha! Hilarious. Love it! The Angel of Death is my favorite. And Miguel.
You know how to make Saturday night for girls too pregnant to party. That's studly.